Prior to being presented with the opportunity to move to London, our life was blissfully normal. We were settling into newly-wed life, deciding how to decorate our first home, and life was consistent. Upon making the decision to move across the ocean, our lives have become and remain to be one giant question mark: What do we want from this opportunity? What can we take from this adventure? Where do we go from here?”
I partnered up with HiFX, a UK-based foreign exchange money broker, who recently launched a campaign to help potential expats understand the reality
—and manage their expectations
—of living abroad. They asked me to contribute to their
Expat Tip Page and it got me thinking,
what have I gained since moving abroad?
We have now spent six quickly passing months living here in London; six months of highs, a few lows, and a whole lot of adventure. It is surreal to look back on where we were only
six months ago and to see where we are now. So much has changed, literally and figuratively. James and I are constantly learning new things about each other and ourselves, so, in honor of hitting this milestone, I’d like to share my take on expat life thus far.
1) The end is the beginning.
We have experienced a roller-coaster of emotions since embarking on our journey into expat life. It has been exciting, empowering, stressful, confusing and everything in between. Though moving abroad has many advantages (travel, history, culture), I think most expats will agree that the process of "starting over" is one of the most unappealing aspects of expat life.
Yes, starting over is a daunting thought. Leaving one life—a job, a home, a support system—to start another can leave you feeling overwhelmed and isolated. The good thing is, when humans are put into stressful situations, we go into survival mode and we get. shit. done. We are resilient beings!
The key here is keeping a positive state of mind. Easier said than done. I know! Even though it will take time to adjust to your new life, remember that this is an adventure! Change is not always easy, but it's good. Meeting new people is cathartic and necessary to grow as an individual. Longing and homesickness are painful in the beginning, but with time it will ease and you will be stronger for it.
No, starting over isn't the end of the world... in fact, it’s actually the beginning.
2) With distance comes clarity.
Living abroad and apart from family and friends has disadvantages, but the distance isn't always such a bad thing. It may come as a shock to some of my readers that I have relished in my newfound freedom from my hometown and my "previous" life. Spending twenty-seven years in one State, you accumulate a certain amount of, well let's just say, ghosts. Good ghosts and bad ghosts.
I think our move abroad came at a perfect time for me and my personal growth. With an ocean between you and your past, you are able to ask yourself the hard questions: Are you happy with your life? Are you the kind of person you can be proud of? Do you want to continue on this path? This is the time to reflect on your life without prying eyes or unsolicited comments or advice weighing you down.
You will learn tremendous amounts about yourself while living as an expat, separate from your support system and out of your comfort zone; it will show you want you're made of. You will find out what is most important to you, what you can and cannot live without, and what you will or will not compromise on. You will likely find an inner strength and self confidence that you might not have otherwise discovered if not given the opportunity. And that confidence empowering.
3) Can't buy me LOOOOOOOVE... or whatever.
I would be lying if I said this wasn't a constant struggle for me. Between painful conversion rates and taxes, money seems to evaporate and it's stressful. The fact is, your budget is a boundary that will govern your expat experience, and it will take a bit of time to get used to the cost of living in your new home. Thankfully, I am learning that it is possible to adapt to a new lifestyle and find comfort and happiness in activities that don't require as much money.
Living on a budget has forced me out into the free world. Gone are the days of shuffling through rack after rack of clothes under the gaze of fluorescent lighting. Instead, I find myself out in the sun—or clouds, or in the rain, rather—breathing in fresh air and enjoying the free architecture and culture that London has to offer. Living on a budget has, in many ways, helped me appreciate the beauty of the world. Dare I say, the best things in life are free?? James, ignore that last part. Anniversary and birthday presents do not fall into that category! :)
More or less, it's just about taking a different approach to life; enjoying what is available to you and not focusing on what isn't. You learn to adapt to your new circumstances. You learn what is most important to you and you make the money count in those areas of your life. There is so much more to life than material possessions. Living on a budget might be a pain in the ass, but it is possible, and there is beauty in simplifying your life.
4) Not all problems are created equal.
It happens to the best of us—the coffee spill down your freshly dry cleaned silk top, the wallet left in your other coat pocket back at the flat—and your day is unrecoverable. Little things like that can ruin our day. Well, living abroad will slap you with a big dose of perspective.
In America, whether it is our personal vehicle to take us where we need to go, or our 2000 square foot home with a fence to keep out unwanted visitors, we have strict boundaries and personal space that make it clear to everyone exactly what belongs to us. But those boundaries also makes it easy to ignore what is outside our car, or neighborhood, or fence.
Moving abroad has opened my eyes to homelessness and mental illness in a way that I had never experienced. Living in London, those boundaries which once kept me sheltered no longer exist. Everything in London is communal—from transportation, apartment buildings, parks, and playgrounds—and as a result, you will encounter and interact with a slew of different people. Everyone, from the millionaire businessman on your left to the homeless schizophrenic man on your right, coexist in the streets of London.
It’s all about stepping out of the bubble and taking the blinders off. When you witness homelessness and mental illness first-hand, you become less uncomfortable, less judgemental, and less ignorant to the more important problems of the world. Little by little, you become more open-minded, more empathetic, and more respectful to people and issues that are different from your own. This also rings true in regards to different cultures, religions, and social views. Interacting with people that are different from what you are used to, you learn that we are all human beings and every person deserves respect and dignity.
Living in London has been a huge eye opener for me. In the scheme of things, how important was that silk top anyways?
5) Separation is the Dr. Kevorkian of friendships.
Long distance relationships take work. A lot of work. So don't be surprised when you wake up one morning to find that most of your haphazard pre-expat friendships have fizzled out. It takes a lot to maintain relationships, but throw in 4500+ miles and five time zones, and it's quite a task.
Living abroad separates the lifers from the part-timers and only the strongest and truest friendships will withstand the test. I mean, who has time for fairweather friends when you're halfway across the world exploring el casa de Dracula? (Dracula really does have a castle in Romania called Bran Castle.) Now you have more time and energy to invest into new friendships! Since moving abroad, I have become more adventurous, appreciative, spontaneous and open-minded, and now I am ready to create a support system with other adventurous, appreciative, spontaneous and open-minded people.
Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. In fact, sometimes it's exactly what you need to quietly purge relationships that you've outgrown. My life has changed, my priorities have shifted, my horizons have broadened, so it seems fitting that my posse would evolve, as well.
6) Isolation can do wonders for a young marriage.
James and I did not take lightly that fact that we would spend our first year of marriage outside of our comfort zone. The first year of marriage is always the hardest—or so we've heard—and we weren't sure if we were willing to put extra strain on our new marriage. Over the course of our seven years we have learned our strengths and weaknesses, as individuals and as a couple. We had to ask ourselves a lot of hard questions, but ultimately we decided that moving to London was the best decision for our family.
This particular truth surprised me, but it has proven to be true for us. Here's how: The everyday comfort and support I used to seek from family, friends or even co-workers, I now solely rely on from my husband and vice versa. Through our isolation from family and friends, I have found a solace within my marriage that I might not have otherwise discovered with so many other alternatives back home.
Now, when problems come up, we are there to face them head on and work through them together, rather than vent to other people.
Through trial and error, we have learned how to live and deal with each other under very strenuous circumstances and we are still here to live to see another day. Living abroad has had a positive effect on our marriage because being "isolated" has forced us to cherish each other's company and rely on each other for love and support. It has not been an easy road, but at least we know that if we survive this, we can survive anything. We are learning to live exclusively as Team Starnes and ultimately our marriage will be stronger for it.
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For those of you thinking of moving abroad, I hope my words can help you see beyond the trials and tribulations of expat life, but also shed some light on the good that has come from our experience. For more information on expat tips, check out HiFX's
Expat Tip Page for other first hand expat experiences.
GET INVOLVED! Are you and expat? Do you agree or disagree with my truths? What have you learned since moving abroad?
*Check back in a couple weeks to see my expat tip added to the Expat Tip Page!
