SIX TRUTHS I'VE LEARNED SINCE MOVING ABROAD

2 Apr 2014

Prior to being presented with the opportunity to move to London, our life was blissfully normal. We were settling into newly-wed life, deciding how to decorate our first home, and life was consistent. Upon making the decision to move across the ocean, our lives have become and remain to be one giant question mark: What do we want from this opportunity? What can we take from this adventure? Where do we go from here?”

I partnered up with HiFX, a UK-based foreign exchange money broker, who recently launched a campaign to help potential expats understand the realityand manage their expectationsof living abroad. They asked me to contribute to their Expat Tip Page and it got me thinking, what have I gained since moving abroad? 

We have now spent six quickly passing months living here in London; six months of highs, a few lows, and a whole lot of adventure. It is surreal to look back on where we were only six months ago and to see where we are now. So much has changed, literally and figuratively. James and I are constantly learning new things about each other and ourselves, so, in honor of hitting this milestone, I’d like to share my take on expat life thus far.

1) The end is the beginning. 
We have experienced a roller-coaster of emotions since embarking on our journey into expat life. It has been exciting, empowering, stressful, confusing and everything in between. Though moving abroad has many advantages (travel, history, culture), I think most expats will agree that the process of "starting over" is one of the most unappealing aspects of expat life. 

Yes, starting over is a daunting thought. Leaving one lifea job, a home, a support systemto start another can leave you feeling overwhelmed and isolated. The good thing is, when humans are put into stressful situations, we go into survival mode and we get. shit. done. We are resilient beings! 

The key here is keeping a positive state of mind. Easier said than done. I know!  Even though it will take time to adjust to your new life, remember that this is an adventure! Change is not always easy, but it's good. Meeting new people is cathartic and necessary to grow as an individual. Longing and homesickness are painful in the beginning, but with time it will ease and you will be stronger for it.

No, starting over isn't the end of the world... in fact, it’s actually the beginning.

2) With distance comes clarity. 
Living abroad and apart from family and friends has disadvantages, but the distance isn't always such a bad thing. It may come as a shock to some of my readers that I have relished in my newfound freedom from my hometown and my "previous" life. Spending twenty-seven years in one State, you accumulate a certain amount of, well let's just say, ghosts. Good ghosts and bad ghosts.

I think our move abroad came at a perfect time for me and my personal growth. With an ocean between you and your past, you are able to ask yourself the hard questions: Are you happy with your life? Are you the kind of person you can be proud of? Do you want to continue on this path?  This is the time to reflect on your life without prying eyes or unsolicited comments or advice weighing you down.

You will learn tremendous amounts about yourself while living as an expat, separate from your support system and out of your comfort zone; it will show you want you're made of. You will find out what is most important to you, what you can and cannot live without, and what you will or will not compromise on. You will likely find an inner strength and self confidence that you might not have otherwise discovered if not given the opportunity. And that confidence empowering. 

3) Can't buy me LOOOOOOOVE... or whatever.
I would be lying if I said this wasn't a constant struggle for me. Between painful conversion rates and taxes, money seems to evaporate and it's stressful. The fact is, your budget is a boundary that will govern your expat experience, and it will take a bit of time to get used to the cost of living in your new home. Thankfully, I am learning that it is possible to adapt to a new lifestyle and find comfort and happiness in activities that don't require as much money.

Living on a budget has forced me out into the free world. Gone are the days of shuffling through rack after rack of clothes under the gaze of fluorescent lighting. Instead, I find myself out in the sunor clouds, or in the rain, ratherbreathing in fresh air and enjoying the free architecture and culture that London has to offer. Living on a budget has, in many ways, helped me appreciate the beauty of the world. Dare I say, the best things in life are free?? James, ignore that last part. Anniversary and birthday presents do not fall into that category! :)

More or less, it's just about taking a different approach to life; enjoying what is available to you and not focusing on what isn't. You learn to adapt to your new circumstances. You learn what is most important to you and you make the money count in those areas of your life. There is so much more to life than material possessions. Living on a budget might be a pain in the ass, but it is possible, and there is beauty in simplifying your life.

4) Not all problems are created equal. 
It happens to the best of usthe coffee spill down your freshly dry cleaned silk top, the wallet left in your other coat pocket back at the flatand your day is unrecoverable. Little things like that can ruin our day. Well, living abroad will slap you with a big dose of perspective.

In America, whether it is our personal vehicle to take us where we need to go, or our 2000 square foot home with a fence to keep out unwanted visitors, we have strict boundaries and personal space that make it clear to everyone exactly what belongs to us. But those boundaries also makes it easy to ignore what is outside our car, or neighborhood, or fence.

Moving abroad has opened my eyes to homelessness and mental illness in a way that I had never experienced. Living in London, those boundaries which once kept me sheltered no longer exist. Everything in London is communalfrom transportation, apartment buildings, parks, and playgroundsand as a result, you will encounter and interact with a slew of different people. Everyone, from the millionaire businessman on your left to the homeless schizophrenic man on your right, coexist in the streets of London.

It’s all about stepping out of the bubble and taking the blinders off. When you witness homelessness and mental illness first-hand, you become less uncomfortable, less judgemental, and less ignorant to the more important problems of the world. Little by little, you become more open-minded, more empathetic, and more respectful to people and issues that are different from your own. This also rings true in regards to different cultures, religions, and social views. Interacting with people that are different from what you are used to, you learn that we are all human beings and every person deserves respect and dignity.

Living in London has been a huge eye opener for me. In the scheme of things, how important was that silk top anyways?

5) Separation is the Dr. Kevorkian of friendships. 
Long distance relationships take work. A lot of work. So don't be surprised when you wake up one morning to find that most of your haphazard pre-expat friendships have fizzled out. It takes a lot to maintain relationships, but throw in 4500+ miles and five time zones, and it's quite a task.

Living abroad separates the lifers from the part-timers and only the strongest and truest friendships will withstand the test. I mean, who has time for fairweather friends when you're halfway across the world exploring el casa de Dracula? (Dracula really does have a castle in Romania called Bran Castle.) Now you have more time and energy to invest into new friendships! Since moving abroad, I have become more adventurous, appreciative, spontaneous and open-minded, and now I am ready to create a support system with other adventurous, appreciative, spontaneous and open-minded people. 

Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. In fact, sometimes it's exactly what you need to quietly purge relationships that you've outgrown. My life has changed, my priorities have shifted, my horizons have broadened, so it seems fitting that my posse would evolve, as well.

6) Isolation can do wonders for a young marriage. 
James and I did not take lightly that fact that we would spend our first year of marriage outside of our comfort zone. The first year of marriage is always the hardestor so we've heardand we weren't sure if we were willing to put extra strain on our new marriage. Over the course of our seven years we have learned our strengths and weaknesses, as individuals and as a couple. We had to ask ourselves a lot of hard questions, but ultimately we decided that moving to London was the best decision for our family.

This particular truth surprised me, but it has proven to be true for us. Here's how: The everyday comfort and support I used to seek from family, friends or even co-workers, I now solely rely on from my husband and vice versa. Through our isolation from family and friends, I have found a solace within my marriage that I might not have otherwise discovered with so many other alternatives back home. 
Now, when problems come up, we are there to face them head on and work through them together, rather than vent to other people.

Through trial and error, we have learned how to live and deal with each other under very strenuous circumstances and we are still here to live to see another day. Living abroad has had a positive effect on our marriage because being "isolated" has forced us to cherish each other's company and rely on each other for love and support. It has not been an easy road, but at least we know that if we survive this, we can survive anything. We are learning to live exclusively as Team Starnes and ultimately our marriage will be stronger for it.
***
For those of you thinking of moving abroad, I hope my words can help you see beyond the trials and tribulations of expat life, but also shed some light on the good that has come from our experience. For more information on expat tips, check out HiFX's Expat Tip Page for other first hand expat experiences.

GET INVOLVED!  Are you and expat? Do you agree or disagree with my truths? What have you learned since moving abroad? 

*Check back in a couple weeks to see my expat tip added to the Expat Tip Page!

15 comments

  1. Great post, I'm moving soon so loved reading!
    I've nominated you for a Liebster Award - so check out my questions for you xo

    londonandlouboutins.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you! If you have any questions about moving abroad, don't hesitate to ask! xx

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  2. I agree with these -- esp number 3. You may not be buying as many clothes as back home (I miss it as well, but we don't have room for a lot of clothes anyway), but you get to travel so cheaply around Europe and rack up all these amazing memories and experiences you and your husband can enjoy for the rest of your life. They say travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.

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    1. I completely agree. It's definitely a tradeoff, but I think a good one! :-)

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  3. So many truths within this post Al. Moving abroad is ne of the most difficult and rewarding things i've ever done! xx

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  4. Loving this post! All of these truths hit the nail on the head for me. Clarity seems to be a major theme running through them -- clarity regarding what (and who) are important to your life, the sort of person you wish to be, etc. -- and I think that clarity is what I too have gained throughout my own process of settling in London. What starts as one big heap of confusion (Is bicarbonate soda the same as baking soda?!! "Suthuck?" Don't you mean "South-wark"??) begins to give way as I stop trying so hard to recreate my life back home -- or fit my experiences here into my existing mental frameworks (So Shoreditch is like the Williamsburg of London, right?) -- and simply let myself BE in this place, surrounded by new (to me) people and different ways of doing things. I begin to release some of my old ideas of how things SHOULD be and with that gain a newfound freedom to determine how I actually want things to be. Like you say, it's not an easy process, but it's definitely worth the initial shock & confusion to have this opportunity to stretch yourself and grow.

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    1. "I stop trying so hard to recreate my life back home -- or fit my experiences here into my existing mental frameworks" -- this is so me. Even after 3 years!

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  5. Soo does moving to Alabama count?! Haha ;) But, even though I'm still stateside, a lot of these things are still true for living in the boonies where I only have Will!

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  6. Awesome post Al! It's crazy how you think you might be alone at first in experiencing marriage/livingabroad/homesickness etc but it's SO not the case. We are all together in this and that's helped me wrangle in freakouts many times.

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  7. So good, Allie! So proud of you and everything that you've done! You, too, James! xx, Cici

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  8. I'm clearly not an expat, but this post is incredible: well-written, insightful, and on-point. I really enjoyed reading it. Go, you!

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  9. Great article Allie! Its exactly how I felt when I moved here...and its funny how quickly I seem to have forgotten those feelings. The longer I am here the less I care about trying to keep to how things were back home. New place has meant new beginnings!

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  10. I definitely agree that maintaining friendships is hard work. Moving from California to London hasn't been the easiest time difference so now most of my conversations are made via text. One thing that's worked for me is sending group texts, and also reaching out to each friend once a week via text. It doesn't take too much time, but still allows you to be connected.

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  11. I totally agree with your last point, nothing challenges a relationship like a move abroad. Even though I am the one that moved abroad our first year was a challenge for sure but our relationship has grown into something more wonderful than I could have expected and I really think it has to do with being out of our comfort zone and having to rely on just each other.

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  12. Yeah, I've heard horror stories about moving abroad as a couple, and it certainly hasn't been a walk in the park, but we are so much stronger and comfortable with each other from it!

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